


Two Of Em

by ChingKittyCat



Series: Nightmare's Cat [3]
Category: Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, Kirby - All Media Types
Genre: 4Kids Dub, Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 07:36:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19313596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChingKittyCat/pseuds/ChingKittyCat
Summary: When an invading wizard comes through a portal, eNeMeE faces his biggest challenge in the past couple of minutes; himself.





	Two Of Em

   eNeMeE was standing in the room, bored out of his mind. CS was working on budgets and what not, the actual job he was meant to be doing outside of servicing King Dedede's orders. The previous CFO had gotten a desk installed that could be retracted into the floor whenever it was needed, and it was very expansive as to dump all these papers on.

   CS was on the budget with his abracalculator, his pen and pencil, and his brain. He'd just needed to finalize them, as most of the work was done by the finance department when it came to the crunching of the numbers. The light scratching of lead on paper was like music to his ears. Though, it was intermittently interrupted by eNeMeE's incessant growls and groans of boredom.

   CS put his pen down and looked at his boss the best he could without breaking his neck.

   "Sir, I'm busy."

   "Why can't you ever be busy doing something that isn't boring?"

   "It's not boring, it's math."

   "Wow, you are literally the most boring person I've ever met. And I've met a lot of boring people because I'm a bajillion years old."

   eNeMeE scoffed, adjusting his cape. CS scowled at the insult before stretching his hands, then putting his chin in his palm.

   "I need to get this done so that way we can see how much more money can be put into your money pool while making sure everyone can still get paid."

   "The money pool is boring."

   "Then I need to get this done to see how much we can use to refuel the 'big evil laser death beam'."

   "Big evil laser death beams don't run on money, they run on fuel."

   CS gave his boss a look of befuddlement and eNeMeE smiled. It was like he'd just caught CS in a 'gotcha, you're stupid' moment.

   "We need to buy the fuel, sir.."

   "What happened to the good ol' taking it by force?"

   "We need to pay people to go take it by force. That or we need to buy it off the planets we crashed the economies of by force. Everything still costs money, even if we're trying to take it 'by force'. Nothing is free."

   "Back in my day," eNeMeE began, "I could just take things."

   "You took everything. You have everything now. You just basically need to pay people to do it for you, since you're not doing any of it."

   CS's explanation finally seemed to catch in his boss's brain, as he hummed. The big wizard seemed to be getting a big, dumb idea, and CS was immediately dreading the excitement that had crossed his features.

   "Then I just need more places to conquer."

   "Like _where_ , sir." CS was now getting a little poisonous in the way he was talking, but eNeMeE didn't seem to mind.

   "I just need more power. Then I can like, rip the fabric of reality or something and go to a new universe and take it over."

   CS looked at his boss with the same flat expression, and eNeMeE took that as something positive, smiling wider. It was like he'd caught onto a thread of logic that would prove tried and true, and he would truly have the chance to do so.

   "The Star Dream project apparently can open wormholes to other dimensions, we should try that first."

   CS had remembered the whole fiasco in exquisite detail. It was all quite a bit haunting, and to be honest, he wasn't sure if he ever wanted another accident like that to happen again. It was to satisfy his boss, though. Maybe it'd do him some well to watch some flashing lights and cool laser beams come out of a big tube.

   "I want power."

   "We can go get the other universe stuff now or later. So you can either invade, or I can sit here and do different paperwork on how to get you more power."

   "..Okay, lets go to the computer."

 

* * *

   Haltmann had basically begged and pleaded CS to not turn the machine on again after what had happened to Susanna- er, Susie. He'd basically gone through a full scale panic attack when CS had stated that there was an executive order from eNeMeE himself to get the thing working again. But after multiple painful hours of waiting (which was only painful due to the restless wizard CS had to wrangle every two seconds), he'd gotten his hands on the terminal for the Mother Computer.

   Haltmann, notably, hadn't joined them for using it. He'd left CS and his boss to it, under the supervision of his fellow well trusted engineers. The machine started with a whirr, which made everyone supervising wince due to its loudness. Other than that, everything seemed to be running pretty well.

   "ONLINE." The computer had yelled.

   "Why hasn't Haltmann fixed the voice of this thing yet."

   CS had his hands over his ears, he'd felt like they might bleed. Out of all the things that needed to be fixed, the voice was most certainly one. It was far too commanding. It's like someone had left a tv at full volume and then removed the keys that controlled it. It's basically broken because no one wants to use it.

   His boss snapped his big wizarding fingers at the machine. Its eye didn't seem to move, but its attention was now on eNeMeE.

   "Get a wormhole opened to another universe so I can take it over."

   "ADMIN NEEDED FOR COMMAND INPUT."

   "I'm the boss here, you listen to me. I'm the boss of everyone and everything."

   "ADMIN NEEDED FOR RESPONSE PROTOCOL."

   eNeMeE made a loud hiss, and CS watched electricity wrap itself around his boss's fingers like eager snakes. He was immediately getting pissy just because a toothpaste tube wasn't listening to him.

   "Open a wormhole to a parallel universe, computer." CS asked hurriedly.

   "UNDERSTOOD."

   "Why does it listen to you and not me?"

   eNeMeE shot, interrogative as if it were an attack on his person. CS held his hands out infront of him as though to show he wasn't a threat whatsoever.

   "H-Haltmann put me as an admin after the accident, I told him to. I-I figured you wouldn't want to tangle with this computer stuff, sir."

   "Alright."

   eNeMeE straightened back up, watching as the tube did its thing and lit up. After a few seconds and a great gash of light and sound, in the air was a blue, star-shaped portal. It stayed there, effectively silent and not doing anything. eNeMeE was quick to float up to it and immediately tried to put his hand against it.

   His hand didn't go through the portal. It was like he was touching a pane of glass. There was pushback. The wizard growled and shot a look to CS, who shrugged. He'd tried harder against the portal, but nothing gave. He'd even tried punching, but still. It went on for multiple minutes too long. It got boring. So, he just gave up. He turned his head back and looked rather pouty about the whole situation.

   "It's not w-"

   Sudeenly, eNeMeE was clocked on the back of the back of the head by a huge hand that came from the portal. It hadn't hurt since eNeMeE was entirely metal, but it was still something that happened. The wizard turned around and grabbed the hand and crunched it in his palm like it were nothing. Wait, no, uh, he tried to crunch it but it's not working? The hand is not crunching.

   Something, someone, was withstanding eNeMeE. It became increasingly apparant as to who this thing was. Because a whole other wizard came through that portal. It was dressed it haughty garb, blacks and reds that spoke of true, neon goth. Its horns were twisted to over-exaggeration and ridiculousness, it even had different, glasses that were more like wings than actual eyeware because of the distance they'd spread. Everything was sharp, everything was drenched and seeped in dark tones or bright reds, honestly this thing looked like an absolute disaster.

   Also, it wasn't made of metal. It was made of skin.

   eNeMeE let out go of the hand out of pure disgust, making a 'ew' noise as he did so. The other wizard snarled.

   "Scream you worthless mortals, I am your new master! You may call me Lord Nighterror, peons! You will be brought into a new age of blood, gore, and darkness under my beautiful, destructive, slave-powered reign!"

   'Nighterror', as he'd called himself, smiled a smile filled with hyperrealistic canine teeth that were stained a faint red. Wouldn't know what from, though. Maybe he just drinks a lot of raspberry sodas or adult grape juice.

   "What's with this clown?" eNeMeE looked at CS for support.

   "Sir! Don't! Say clown! You know we have some working here, and they don't take nicely to having things compared to them!"

   "Ugh, progressives."

   "Hello!? I'm here to enslave all of you and torture you?!"

   Nighterror was pissy now after being ignored for promptly five seconds. eNeMeE turned his attention back to the false wizard. He looked the other wizard up and down, taking in the horrid debauchery that was the thing's fashion sense. Then, he sighed as though all of it was pitiable. This guy was an absolute charity case, and it was clear he needed help.

   "Listen bud," eNeMeE wrapped his arm around Nighterror's pauldron, they'd looked very buddy-buddy, "you have a lot to learn. You see, being edgy is cool but only if you do it in amounts. Otherwise you're just obnoxious. And you? You're obnoxious. That, and people will eventually get used to you doing awful things. Shock value wears off if all you do is nasty things. No one like this whole set up you've got, it's going to get boring. It's a real sad display, and to be quite honest, the fact that you need to cover up for your lack of likability with stupid things like saying 'peons' or 'I like slaves' is really pathetic."

   Nighterror shoved eNeMeE off of him with a hiss, and the metal wizard shrugged innocently.

   "How dare you!" Nighterror roared. "I am the master of all masters, I am the one who slaughters and kills and murders and enslaves! I make paintings of blood and entrails, I put people on display after I torture them! I am the strongest there has ever been and ever will be, I don't need any talk from some worthless worm like you!"

   "He's compensating." CS chirped.

   "Oh yeah, definitely compensating." eNeMeE agreed.

   "NO!"

   "Look, I'm sure you think you're super cool because all you do is destroy things, but you gotta have some personality outside of that or else no one will like you. Like, at all."

   "I don't need people to like me!"

   Nighterror snapped, shoving eNeMeE the best he could with his little flesh hands.

   "You have no personality outside of shock value, so I'm the better villain and therefore the better wizard."

   eNeMeE smiled and CS mumbled something under his breath. Nighterror's face shifted further into pure fury as he went to attack and scratch eNeMeE like a rabid banshee. But the guy just took one hand and slapped the worthless thing across the face with a mighty, thunderous and godly clap. The edgelord yowled and nursed their face, its glasses having fallen off in the process.

   Underneath the glasses were two hyper anime-desu kawaii eyes.

   "No!" Nighterror sobbed. "You've discovered by dark and tragic secret! Don't look at me!"

   The edge wizard covered his face and immediately began to cry, fast-mumbling about what seemingly was his super tragic backstory. eNeMeE couldn't really make out too much of it other than some bits and pieces, but he'd gotten the jist of it. Nighterror had a very super tragic past where he was a normal person but then he grew hyper anime desu eyes and then one person (his wife) thought he was weird so he'd turned into a big evil warlord, killed her, then killed everyone and turned the survivors into slaves to fuel his imperialist empire that was also capitalist and also a utopia but it was run on slaves who all worked in slave factories but it's imperialist. Also he was a cannibal so he ate people for fun so it was really sad because he can't eat anything else other than people except for when he can. Also his wife was an angel (like from the Bible, whatever that was) and she slapped him and that made him cry but she was also super nice and he didn't kill her it was her son who killed her but not really because it was racist (not sure what that is either, must be an alien species eNeMeE hadn't heard of) who did it. Also she died because angel racism was a thing because it's really sad and that's really why he killed everyone because they were racist. Like, no one is good in that situation because everyone's racist so it makes it justified, even though there really wasn't a reason for them to be it was just sorta happening because it was. Basically, Nighterror was a progressive and everyone else wasn't, they were just being mean to him because he wasn't a racist. Also he abused his children and they didn't like him because they were abused by him so that made him really sad. Also, he was forced to eat glass sandwiches as a child, so he decided to break the cycle and make his kids eat just plain glass instead.

   The more eNeMeE listened, the more his face sunk with unamusement. This wasn't even the 'so bad it's funny' kinda bad. This was just so bad it made him mad sort of funny. Also known as 'not funny at all'. This was guy was supposedly him from another universe, he couldn't stand something so utterly bastardizing in his presence. Just being around him gave eNeMeE's reputation radiation poisoning.

   "I hate this."

   eNeMeE grumbled, but Nighterror was still going and also crying. So, he'd punched him straight in the teeth back through the portal. It sealed itself up after Nighterror was removed.

   "Alternate universes suck, make sure nothing from any of them can get into this one unless they get permission from me."

   eNeMeE talked directly to CS, who nodded dutifully.

   "Also, find other ways to get into other universes, I still want to do the whole invasion thing, but not on a stupid place wherever that sad excuse for a wizard was from. Like, Stars, that was just sad. Being brutal is fun and all but some things just have literally no limit, it's tasteless. It's just cruelty for cruelty's sake, or for shock's sake, and honestly that takes out all the fun in being cruel." Said the warlord.


End file.
